SIGYN, 8:23
a.m.
My husband
is pursuing a path that will force us to part ways, and consequently him to
fail in fulfilling his life dream, but he is too stubborn to see it, and it is
hurting me. Also, I can't eat. Booze has calories. Otherwise I would just
starve.
BEX
Oh sigyn
*hugs tight* what is he doing? I hope things will work out for you all,
sometimes a new path
can work
out...things will be fine in the end, I am sure
SIGYN
So, when we
met, he was monogamous and after some smoothing down his rough edges, he became
quite devoted to me. But his dad, who always treated him badly, whom he
dislikes, who treated his mom like poo, whom he's terrified of ending up has,
has nonetheless influenced him to try to force me to agree to an open marriage.
His poor
young mind is clouded with his dad's poison, and whenever anyone tries to get
him to see reason, he just lashes out. He's...going insane. Believe me, I am
not a wife who would leave her husband wanting, in any way.
Also, he
wouldn't have the energy for a mistress. But he tries to find one, even though
he doesn’t know how to talk to women (which you would think would be a sign
that he found who he needs easily and doesn't need anyone else in that way).
If he
forces me to "adjust" to this crap, I will become something
different. I won't be the woman he fell in love with. Likewise, this demon
wearing my husband's face is not the man I fell in love with, and he will
flounder without me. He is much more likely to succeed in our dream if I am by
his side, happily planning alongside him, but I am not happy now, and we will
ne forced to part ways if he continues. I HAVE contingencies, but he will
spiral out and end up like his dad.
That is why
I'm drinking. It is also why I'm still so severely ill. The stress feeds the
illness. Loki is killing me, but he won't admit it.
BEX, 8:44
a.m.
Be right
back...in the DMV
(9:05
a.m.) Things always
work out the way they are supposed to, even if it isn't the way WE want them to
be. That is a very hard lesson that I had to learn quite a few years ago. It
isn't easy to watch those you love make mistakes, but then there is nothing you
can do about it either if they won't change but wait for them to realize on
their own, the mistakes they are making and be there for them when they finally
fall or return to themselves.
People with
family like that always strive to 'please' said parent because even though they
may hate the parent, they will always secretly earn for said parents love...I
know, me and my mom are like oil and water and most of my ptsd and anxiety
issues strive from her...and yet I know inside that that is my mom....I'm
'supposed' to love her and she is supposed to love me and it hurts cause i know
that will never happen but I ccan't just cut her out of my life either
SIGYN
Okay but
Im his
wife.
Like... I
understand what you're saying
But ... He
has said he doesn't want to be like his dad and doesn't care about his dad's
approval. And his priority should be me, his wife; not a parent, like a child.
BEX
I have been
in the open relationship thing, I am poly or have been...so i know a lot about
all that aspect of it. It is not for everyone, I know...but for those who make
it work, it can be very much a loving working, healthy thing. Not saying it's
for you...that's something you have to decide, but it is only society who tells
us that loving more then one person is wrong....anyway, I hear you, but stressing
yourself out when clearly he is 'stuck' in his own world right now won't do any
of you any good
SIGYN
NO
DO NOT WITH
ME.
Look.
HIM BEING
UNFAITHFUL TO ME IS NOT OKAY
BEX
You making
yourself sick over something that you can not change right now...just be
pacient...he will come around
SIGYN
I'm sorry
but this triggers me a lot
BEX
Calm down,
I didn't mean it was ok for you and him..I was just telling my side
SIGYN
I don't
want to be forced to be a part of that madness
I just want
my husband back!
I was his
one and only. I was his beautiful mate.
Icant do
tbisc
I'm sorry I
think I shouldn't be alive anymore. Im so soryy
BEX
Hey hey!
Don't you say that! Ever! *hugs tight*
This is
just a bump...all ships have them
Things will
get better
SIGYN
Ive had mt
own experiences with that kond of thing it doesn't work for me i dont want it
to work for anyome really
BEX
You just
gotta relax, breathe, take one day at a time. He will realize what he is doing
sooner later and when he does, you will be there
SIGYN
It hurts. I
need to be his one and only or i dont exist. Im mot real
Iwaited tot
Find him, I
waited 23 years, I went through a lot of shit to finally meet someone who
shares my dreams and sparks possibility in me
But you
see, the trouble is, directly before him, ...something happened with someone
that caused extreme separation anxiety.
BEX
It will get
better I promise it will
SIGYN
I don't
breathe easily without him there showing affection for me, and I mean that
literally. I have a degenerative lung thing.
BEX
I went thru
the same thing with my sister, she was going down a bad bad road...drugs and everything
but no matter how many times I talked to her, no matter how loud I shouted, she
wouldn't hear me or change her ways. I had to 'let go" for a while till
she finally hit bottom...but when she did and she decided to change, I was
there to help her back up
SIGYN
I'm sorry.
Im not going to kill myself. I had an anxiety attack. I cant handle the idea of
him wit anyone else. He needs to stand by his choice to he with me, and me
alone. Besides, becaise of how unique he is, he is unlikely to even meet anyone
else who shares the vision we have.
Okay that's
great BUT
Youre
missing the fact that I cant wait.
My health
will get worse without him.
The
depression and anxiety are literally the least of my problems and they are
pretty much all consuming when it comes to my consciousness.
BEX
It isn't
waiting sigyn...driving yourself sick over something you can't change right now
isn't doing either of you any good.
SIGYN
I AM NOT
DRIVINF ANYTHING GOD DAMN IT
How do you
not understand that?
I just AM
sick, and when he isn't there for me, it just GETS worse.
You think I
would still be sick, unable to exercise or eat or go to work, MY WORK WHICH I
LOVE, if I had a choice?
BEX
Your sick
now, worried...I understand that. But nothing is going to happen...nothing bad.
Things will be fine. Don't yell, I know...trust me I do. I'm just trying to
help....
Sometimes
I'm not good with the words going together thing
SIGYN
I know
you're trying to help,but the only thing that will help really would be him
coming back to me.
It's been
four days.
I know that
doesn't sound long
Every hour
drags on.
BEX
He will, he
will...he loves you, he will. Men just take a little longer to realize then us
when they are being 'dumb'. *chuckles softly, bad attempt to joke* he will be
back...I am certain.
And when I
am Certain...I am NEVER wrong
SIGYN
Becca, this
is terrifying for me. I haven't been able to make love to him since early June
since we live in different cities. I cant bear to think of him tainting himself
with some skank.
BEX
Kinda my
saying that I only say when I know something for sure...
He won't.
He loves you sillygoose or he wouldn't have married you
SIGYN
He needs to
realise that he loves me and what he's trying to do is both wrong amd doomed to
failure.
The thing
about polyamory is that it ONLY works if everyone consents to it.
BEX
He will see
it, and I know.
SIGYN
I cannot
consent. It isn't ~society brainwashing~ or whatever the fuck. It's my heart. I
literally need to be his one and only or my existence is pointless.
He'll see
it before he gets anywhere inappropriate with anyone?
And I'm not
mocking your words, by the way, the scare quotes was his bs argument
BEX
I can do a
'seeing' later if you want me to. *blushes a bit* not something I normally
offer...or blurt out but we are friends and I'll try.
I'll
explain that later as well. I'm still here but running errands..
SIGYN
I'm sorry I
lost it with you. I've had visions of how it'll turn out whichever path he goes
down, like, if he chooses to cheat on me, he will fail at his goals because we
will be forced to part ways as a natural consequence because neither of us will
be the person the other fell in love with. But if he stays true to me, we will
have a large, strong family of brothers and sisters gathered from all over, we
will work beautifully and our plans will come much closer to succeeding.
I think he
will choose to be true to me, but waiting for him to announce that conclusion
tears me apart.
(1:00
p.m.) But yes,
please do a seeing if youre offering
/end
