Sigyn's Mundane Adventures and Conversations

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Snafu Followup and Suicide, 10.22.15

October 22, 2015

7.42 AM

I missed you too. There was so much pointless drama last week, I had to step away from just about everyone except the ones I knew would be on my side

MAKAYLA, 3.58 PM

What happendd

ME, 6.10 PM

Just some stupid shit

(8.00 PM) Anyway, did you manage to get things sorted today?

MAKAYLA

I tried to call and they said I have to call someone else

Okay, what happened when you called someone else?

MAKAYLA

I had to be on hold to be told I have to call on Monday

Wow -.-

MAKAYLA

Right

Yeah, that’s bullshit. They’re giving you the runaround because they don’t want to face up to their bullshit.

+ Call up tomorrow, say you’re from a newspaper and you’re doing fact checking for a story on YouTube’s creator policy.

MAKAYLA

I might will I get in trouble tho

Look up a local, small time newspaper and don’t give your real name. Or just say you’re a freelance reporter. I can’t guarantee that you won’t, but you might get answers faster if you pretend to be a journalist.

MAKAYLA

Then I shall do that

Alright. Let me know how it goes. How have things been? I was off Facebook for a while.

MAKAYLA

I will and it’s ok just a lot going on

Watch “Mental Health Awareness (REPOST)” on YouTube – http://youtu.be/T2ednneL_W0

ME, 9.03 PM

I’m actually very aware of mental health XD I was hospitalised for depression last year, remember?

+ Anyway, I’m here if you want to talk about it

MAKAYLA

I know… I made the video so people could share it and maybe help Somone so what happened to Taylor can be avoided

I’ll catch up on all your videos tomorrow after I get a new social security card. I’ll share the ones I like :D

MAKAYLA

Thank you. I am devastated

I’m sorry for your loss, hon

MAKAYLA

It’s ok. I just spoke to her Monday

Monday? When did this happen?

MAKAYLA

Tuesday morning

Huh, weird. You’d think she would have reached out.

MAKAYLA

I know. She wa always so positive. I remember her posting about being upset but didn’t think anything of it

Hmm… You sure she did this? Did she have any enemies?

MAKAYLA

I talked to her parents she was hanging in her closet

Huh. Weird.

MAKAYLA

Not really it was devastating

ME, 10.16 PM

It’s weird to me because she did that without trying to talk to you, you know?

+ About it

MAKAYLA

We weren’t close. She was always peppy and sweet but it breaks my heart.

How come, if you weren’t close?

MAKAYLA

She was young. I have a heart that’s why it hurts. It hits home

Hmm.

MAKAYLA

Why on God’s green earth do you have to question my judgment

Why do you think I’m questioning your judgment?

MAKAYLA

You are.

Actually, I’m not.

+ I’m just trying to understand your perspective on this, I’m not judging you at all, actually.

MAKAYLA

You are making it seam like she was offed

I asked if she had any enemies because I suspected that might be the case, but when you said her parents found her hanging in her closet, I believed you.

+ I’m not questioning your judgment. I’m just wondering why a happy and peppy girl would ragequit life.

MAKAYLA

I talked to her parents they said she had been battling depression

I guess what I meant to say was, I wish she’d reached out to you. Or to someone. Like I wish she could have found solace in her friends so this wouldn’t have happened. You know?

MAKAYLA

Yeah. It just kills me she was so beautiful and young and had so much going for her.

Yeah. It sucks.

MAKAYLA

;(

*hugs*

MAKAYLA

Thanks I just wish I could helo

Yeah, I know that feel

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Tech Crunch Snafu: 10.21.15

October 21, 2015 | 9.31 PM

Yo.

http://techcrunch.com/2015/10/21/an-offer-creators-cant-refuse/

You hear about that?

MAKAYLA

What’s that

+ I’m confused I don’t know what that means

Basically, if your videos are sponsored on YouTube, you have to pay $10 a month to them or your videos disappear.

+ So if you get money from your videos, you’re screwed.

MAKAYLA

I mean, have someone else go over the article with you in case I misinterpreted it, but I figured you should know in case you had that kind of deal.

MAKAYLA

I haven’t been offered that! I don’t know what to say this is my means of income

Well, get your mum or someone to look it over with you and see if it applies to you.

+ If it does, better get a lawyer or something

MAKAYLA

Hats my job! They can’t do tha

ME, 10.05 PM

Tell that to them.

+ Or get your lawyer to

MAKAYLA

Ugh I really don’t need this rn

Well, don’t shoot the messenger

+ And don’t overreact until you’ve confirmed with someone else that this is what’s going on.

+ I didn’t fact check the article. I just saw it and sent it to you

MAKAYLA

ugh loos like I know what I’m dealing with in the morning

yep. Good luck

MAKAYLA

Thank you for sending that my way

No problem. Let me know what happens

MAKAYLA

I will iv missed ou

Friday, October 16, 2015

Day to Day: My new hair!

Now that I got all the nasty stuff out of my head, let's mo\/e onto something fun! One of my remaining true friends told me that my hair was really cute, so I'm going to post it.

This is when my ragdoll braids were mostly black and I still had most of my bangs.

This one's especially cute. Do like.

Got to use hair wire to bind in that tufty bit.

IT BUNS FOR CON\/ENIENCE! ♥

This is after I finished the shorts I knitted (paired with a mid-tank).

Loki is a silly cameraman ♥

Day to Day: 9001% done.

What the hell part of "don't come into my house and crap on my floor" do people not understand? Strangers seem to be so good at only reading what they want to. In any case, that little problem has been taken care of and my safe space is no longer in danger ^-^

To be honest, I feel like crap lately. The world just seems so... intrusi\/e. High, loud voices intruding on my ears (I have REALLY sensitive hearing), partygoers imposing themselves near my sleep spot... like, if you see people clearly sleeping somewhere, that is not the place for your party. Does anyone understand "consideration" anymore? Also, parents not teaching kids to use their INDOOR voices in public and then getting bitchy when it's pointed out? Not cool. Best to just keep your legs closed if you're going to be that kind of parent. "Oh, my kid is so precious and awesome" no they're not, you're raising them to be entitled pieces of shit just like you :) :) :) It isn't about telling other people how to parent, it's about having basic consideration and decency, gdi.

Sorry, readers. I'\/e been under a ridiculous amount of mental strain lately. People I thought were my friends turn out to be traitors, mongrels imposing themselves on my safe space to spew opinion everywhere, you know. I don't take well to that sort of thing, and I can't wait until Loki and I get some progress made on some of our projects. At least then I won't feel so... meh.

I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. I'\/e also been feeling a bit alone in the world. There are... hmm, maybe 7 people who haven't betrayed or thought about betraying me lately. There's suicidal ideation, which turns to homicidal ideation (don't flatter yourselves, anons, you're not anywhere close to worth it). Burning in my chest, that spreads to my \/eins. Burning, searing hatred. It feels good at times, but most of the time, I just wish it would go away. I don't want to be that person.

I don't want to be the person who wants to end the world, y'know? That's not how I want to see myself. I'm kind to my closest of friends, usually friendly to strangers, generally don't wish anything bad for my enemies. Easy enough, right? My husband adores me, most of the time, and I try to be my absolute best for him and for those good friends, those few good friends, who idolise me. Problem is, I'm not perfection, not remotely close. I break down quite a lot, especially these days. It's a weakness and I'll work on it.

I want to think that, with the new power I'll have once we get a bit further in our projects, I'll be somewhat responsible with it. I want to think I'll be... bene\/olent. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. But the more the world tries to make me apologise for being who I am, the less I care what becomes of them.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Things I’ve been catching heat for lately and why it’s ridiculous.

Hello, readers. As some of you may be aware, I've recently deactivated one of my social networking accounts because of some strange bullshit. You see, I fully and proudly embrace hugboxing in my own space, and people who have known me long enough to know that have recently been popping up randomly (sometimes without invitation) and spewing negativity everywhere. To be entirely clear, when I tag someone (on any site), I'm generally looking for support, and those unable to provide said support need not respond. Private messages asking me not to tag them? Fine. Publicly attempting to shame me for... being myself? Lol no. So here are some things I've been accused of and my rebuttals:

The Terrible, Horrible Thing: Racism.

Allegation: “You’re racist because you don’t want to date someone who doesn’t speak English!”

Why it’s ridiculous: I’m not anyone’s goddamn babysitter. We’re all adults here, and while Your Mileage May Vary, I prefer not to spend my time muddling around with word usage. Either you understand me the first time, or you don’t. I don’t have the patience to constantly re-word or re-assert myself, especially with people who use ESL as an excuse to not understand my boundaries. It comes down to personal preference, and I personally prefer not to be contacted by people who don’t speak my language well.

The Terrible, Horrible Thing: Hidden Intentions.

Allegation: “You’re deceptive because you’re using a dating site to get food!”

Why it’s ridiculous: This really isn’t any worse than men who go on dating sites (not hookup sites; yes, there’s a difference) for sex. Also, unlike several guys I’ve talked to who don’t mention anything about sex anywhere in their profiles but then BAM! hit me with “We’ll bang, okay?” in the messages, I actually do state that I want people to buy me food in my profile. Twice. It isn’t my fault if people don’t read my profile before messaging me.

The strange thing about this one is that it comes from people who are aware of my situation. Since no-one seems to really pay any attention and I was just babbling into a void on the social networking site, let’s recap:

- Hitchhiked from San Jose to Portland (therefore no car)

- No money (therefore no public transport)

- Reliant on one person’s food stamps to feed two people, as well as food banks where we can’t always eat the food provided due to dietary restrictions.

- Cardholder containing ID and Social Security card lost (therefore no job)

There are other, semi-relevant factors, but in the interests of keeping this post somewhat concise, I’ll leave them out for now. Let me reiterate that the people judging me for using a dating site for free food are aware of my situation. So I devised a little experiment:

I would like each of those people, judging me from the comfort of their own homes with plenty of access to food, to leave home with only what they can carry on their back, no money, and hitchhike to a state where they have no friends, no-one to crash with. Their main sources of food will be food banks, dumpster diving, and the kindness of strangers. They will sleep in parks, parking lots, and the like. They will spend their days at libraries, on the hunt for food, or panhandling (we call it spanging, by the way). Do all this, then come back and tell me how eeeeeeevil maintaining a dating site profile with the openly-stated intention of acquiring food is. I’ll bet a grand total of zero of them would be able to leave their cushy lives behind. In fact, most people I’ve talked to who have demanding jobs they feel trapped by, they have admitted that they find Loki and me brave because they couldn’t do what we do. They’re trapped by corpgov wage slave obligations and the like.

The Terrible, Horrible Thing: Values Dissonance.

Allegation: “You shouldn’t bring a chaperone to a date in a public place!”

Why it’s ridiculous: Sexual assault happens in public, too. As a woman meeting men from the internet, my primary responsibility is to ensure my own safety. If I want to do that by bringing backup, that is my right.

The Terrible, Horrible Thing: Using our own names. (????!)

Allegation: “You shouldn’t go by Loki and Sigyn because you’re disrespecting pagans who worship the actual gods!”

Why it’s ridiculous:

Just because we can't get jobs doesn't mean I can't use our (outdated) résumés to make a point,

Really, people?

The main complaint about this one seemed to be that I’m not properly representing fidelity, but… do you really think I’d do something like this without Loki signing off on it? He’s my fucking chaperone, for the love of all that ever was! How WILLFULLY BLIND do you have to be, to be THAT JUDGMENTAL?! Not to mention that that person was a complete stranger to me (haven’t figured out how to keep friends of friends from commenting on posts in which friends are tagged).

Now here’s something I have an objection to: Going into someone else’s house and crapping on their floor. If you’ve got a negative opinion on a stranger’s post, and you’re aware that they get notifications and that you may be violating their safe space by voicing it, keep it to your GD self. Please.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

"You're too young and pretty to be in this situation!"

I get that a lot. I understand that it's well-meaning, but it's also misguided, and here's why.

I'm 24 years old. That's young for an inhabitant of the Earth, yes, and even young for a human, but it's by no means "too young" to have experienced hardship. As for looks, they honestly have nothing to do with anything. This is what I look like:

As you can see, it's date-stamped. I took it just before writing this entry. (By the way, I love this dress. You can't see all the colours because of my webcam quality, but it's got some good ones.) Opinions on my looks have run the gamut from "not bad, but not my type" to "stunningly gorgeous goddess". Your Mileage May Vary, but the general consensus is that I'm good-looking, and I tend to agree. However, that has nothing to do with whether or not I, as a person, experience hardship. Please note that the following examples are given to make a point and I am not asking for pity or sympathy or anything like that.

I was younger and still pretty when I made the choice between going to a shitty trade school or ending my life.

Me at age 22, just before entering trade school

I was younger and still pretty when someone I thought was my friend turned out to be a catfisher who used multiple sock puppets to manipulate me and steal the novel series I'd been working on for all my life-- then denied it and turned my fiance against me.

Me, at age 17, when I was in constant contact with said sock.

I was younger and still pretty when I developed extreme depression and anxiety because of various things going on in my life. The most egregious of these were the failure of a relationship that meant a lot to me, the subsequent entrance into a relationship with someone who toyed with me because I was naive, a very transient and unstable home life, and to put it in its most basic form, I couldn't do anything right for anyone even when I tried. I was young and pretty when I turned to self-medicating with sex and alcohol to take the pain away.

Me, at age 15, when I first developed addictions to sex and alcohol

I was younger and still pretty when my dad lost our home. We went from shelter to shelter in San Jose and, while we were lucky enough to get into Section 8 housing, that wasn't a viable option for me as a single adult.

Me at age 12, just before we became homeless.

I was younger and still pretty when I got taken by the State over a misunderstanding because they were on a witch hunt for my father. He wasn't a perfect parent by any means, but the main thing they had against him was simply the fact that he was a single father raising a girl. Gross, right?
(That was sarcasm, by the way. If you actually believe that, please get the fuck off my blog.)

Me, at age 10, when I was a ward of the State.

I was even younger when my dad's job got outsourced and we had to move to a different country, then from our new state to a different state, and he had to switch careers just to help our family get by.

Me at age 3, when we first got settled; you can tell because it says "San Jose" at the bottom of the pic.

The picture on my certificate of citizenship.

So, humble readers, while I know you mean well when you tell someone sympathetically that they're "too young and pretty" to be in X-situation, please keep in mind that youth and beauty do not exempt one from hardships in their life. Thank you.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Day to Day Gallery

What? No Mongrel Watch yesterday? Well, I wasn't exactly online yesterday! I do have one coming up for you guys, though. For now, please enjoy this gallery of pictures we took while walking around.

Yesterday was an odyssey. We walked two hours to a food bank, only to find that they're not open on Monday, and then walked an hour to another food bank that gives really healthy food. It's a Lutheran church, if you're interested.

We've done some other walking around: went to a Western Union to pick up money my mum sent, then to a Metro PCS to pay my phone bill, then to a Starbucks. I'm not sure how we wound up going from the Albina library area to Piedmont or what the circumstances were, but that happened, too. Yesterday we slept in Alberta Park, which is one of those parks that have staff who come in the morning and would prefer you not sleep there.

Anyway, here is the gallery: