8 December 2015 | Excerpted conversations w/Loki

12:19 p.m.

"I'm glad to know you finally got sleep last night."

1:05 p.m. (Loki wanted to get a bike repaired)

Me: It'll be good for the Loke to have a bike. Is good for the Loke is good for the gyn. The gyn will be happy for the Loke.

Loki: Good.

1:08 p.m.

Me: *cold-toeses your back* 😈

Loki: nooo

Me: Oh... *puts on socks and dances*

Loki: gyn is dancing and shaking her lady hips?

Me: Yes, yes she is! 😀

Loki: that's cute

1:36 p.m.

I'm glad you're doing better.

3:34 p.m.

Me: *shares Altoids with you* ^~^

Loki: Yay toids

5:05 p.m.

Me: I didn't get to swim today. Takes bath instead, is okay.

Loki: it's okaygyn

5:46 p.m.

Me: Am reading a sad story.

Loki: Oh noes

6:27 p.m.

Me: I have your underpants! +jpeg

Loki: lol cute

Me: I'm keeping my Lokipants.

Loki: okeh

7:39 p.m.

Me: How was Loki's salmon?

Loki: Loke has to cook it first.

7:51 p.m.

Me: Gyn hit her head on a sharp cabinet edge >.< Can gyn have a petting?

Loki: Pets a poor gyn

10:01 p.m. Loki tells me a story

Once upon a time, there was a dude with a face. And he ate a bagel. It was a doom bagel, with micro filament string cheese. It was so deadly that it blew his face off, and then his left nostril got caught in a kid's bicycle spokes and jammed it. So then the kid flew off his bike and landed on a tree.

What happened to the cheese?

It grew legs and walked away.

And is the bike okay?

Nope.

Do they walk away together?

Yes. They went to a gay bar. And the kid? Some say he's still there in the tree to this day.

Why did the walking cheese and the bike want to go to a gay bar?

To get to the other side.

The bike ordered a drink for the cheese and then they holed up in an abandoned building and played blackjack.

10:41 p.m. 

Have you been doing your best to stay well?

Things are going to go a bit differently than anticipated. We are leaving Portland because it's cold. I will keep you all as updated as I can.

Please pray, for those of you who do so, that Loki and I remain true to each other and to our ultimate goal. Let us not be sidelined or blindsided by things and people that might take us away from our planned future together. Let us remain fully committed to each other and to our goals, and for the love of all that is holy, let his father's influence over him be broken.

Thoughts from yesterday

As I gain a bit of recognition, it comes time for me to decide what sort of example I want to make of myself. Earlier today, I was confronted by an unhappy person: bitter, washed out, never got to accomplish what they wanted to and so felt the need to steer my husband away from the same goal-- and, not coincidentally, from me. That person is my father-in-law, and while I do enjoy a great many jokes at his expense, it saddens me that he would try to take away his son's happiness by concern trolling.

My father-in-law has never approved of me. He sees my neurodivergences as a show I put on to manipulate my husband into staying close to me and taking care of me rather than loving his own life. Not much could be further from the reality, which is that Loki and I share very similar goals and that my neurodivergences are simply part of who I am as an individual. Is being with me a challenge? Yes. Is it worth it? Ask Loki. He has made it clear that he plans to stay with me and that he finds me more helpful than harmful.

In the past, I've put a lot of effort into shaming people who triggered various unpleasant associations. I currently feel, though I may change my mind again, that that is a bit too time-consuming for my liking and wastes energy I could be using to do something more productive. I see now that, while my goals and efforts are clear to me, what the callous outside world cares most about is results.

And I fully intend to get them.

I haven't entirely decided what sort of person I want to come off as, but it is my hope that you, my dear readers, will come to see me as I see myself on good days. Loki sees potential in me and I feel it burning now, propelling me towards something.... Good or evil, I cannot say, but I will try to take you with me on the ride so you can see for yourselves.

Modeling Food for Thought part 12: 11.2.15 2-4 PM

2:23pm

Sigyn Wisch

Loki's takin the phone gonna text Blossom from the computer

also loki's makin funny noises

Makayla Marie

Cool you need the # and lol

Sigyn Wisch

Got it from my phone before sending Loki off

Makayla Marie

Awesome

Sigyn Wisch

yep yep

It's [DATA EXPUNGED], right?

Makayla Marie

Yes

{Note: While I did text Blossom from my computer and her old contact information is still in the webnumber archive, the actual conversation is not. I didn’t forsee this. Mea culpa.}

Sigyn Wisch

oh god Blossom says, "I have to try to please a Miss Flanders now". I take it Madeline's being difficult again

Makayla Marie

Yep

Sigyn Wisch

oh boy, what's going on?

Makayla Marie

She's hitching about the homework

Sigyn Wisch

Seriously? I got it done in like three hours, tops

okay maybe three and a half

{Two hours, twenty-three minutes, actually. I’m bad at estimates.}

Makayla Marie

Yep she's whining

Sigyn Wisch

ugh

Makayla Marie

Yep

Sigyn Wisch

LOKI (Our names were not easily denoted over Facebook messenger.)

Jesus fucking Christ.  I wouldn't put up with that shit. What a waste of fucking time

Makayla Marie

Huh

SIGYN...Dammit Loki

I assume that was Loki saying that, because I didn't

He's got the phone, which has access to Messenger

LOKI

Gyngyn I messaged you

SIGYN

gdi

THIS IS FACEBOOK MESSENGER

Sorry, Makayla. We're having technical confusion

LOKI

Blossom needs to accept that Madeline is a useless Cunt btw

SIGYN

dammit loki

LOKI

Sorry gyn. But SERIOUSLY

SIGYN

LOKI NO

3:02pm

Makayla Marie

Lol

Sigyn Wisch

I'm mad at him now

Like, I agree with what he was saying, but he shouldn't be using Messenger because it reflects on me when he's talking shit.

3:14pm

Sigyn Wisch

Okay, he says he turned off notifications

3:25pm

Makayla Marie

Lol

Sigyn Wisch

Sorry about that. I told him off in Hangouts

Makayla Marie

Lol

Sigyn Wisch

How are things going with Madeline?

Makayla Marie

I'm gonna die

Sigyn Wisch

Oh honey

Makayla Marie

I'm just ugh

Sigyn Wisch

I know. It's hard to deal with people who are hard to deal with

Makayla Marie

I want to smack her

Sigyn Wisch

I wanna smack someone in general, am in a bad mood

she still bitching about the hw?

Makayla Marie

Yes

An I'm in a shifty mood too

Sigyn Wisch

gdiiii

How old is she, anyway?

Makayla Marie

It's annoying my phone took a shut. 21

Sigyn Wisch

...w...wow

okay how the fuck did she live to 21

Makayla Marie

Right

SIGYN

Makayla Marie

Hahahahah

Sigyn Wisch

That p much sums up my opinion of her.

Makayla Marie

Mine to

11.7.15 Interlude photo companion

Modeling Rubbish, part 24: 11.7.15

November 7, 4:05 PM

MAKAYLA
So did I tell you what happened?

ME
No, tell

MAKAYLA
Blossom was in an accident. She’s ok but she’s texting me on chas phone and I guess she blames maddy

ME
Oh my god!
I’m glad she’s OK but how did she get in an accident?

MAKAYLA
Maddy blew up her phone she looked down

ME
Wtf

MAKAYLA
Yeah

ME
The fuck is wrong with Madeline. Why can’t she just leave well enough alone?

MAKAYLA
She wants to provoke

ME
She needs to get a life and stop hurting other people with her goddamn temper tantrums

MAKAYLA
Right. She’s a cunt nugget.

ME
Smegma breath

MAKAYLA
Lol

Interlude from Modeling: General Madeline and Andrew Drama, 11.6.15

November 6, 12.16 AM

ME
Loki says the insults were lame and Madeline’s forgetting she didn’t even complete Job Corps and we did, and it’s just completely backfiring because she’s a tard.

MAKAYLA
She’s mean

ME
*shares free pizza and hot cocoa*
Yeah, she’s mean and she’s an idiot, and that’s just a bad combination.

MAKAYLA
Take pizza and sipps coco I miss you guys rn

ME
I know, hon, we wish you could be here, only like, with a house and to share with you
I’d give you a big hug and Loki would point out all the flaws in the discussion and we would all be laughing.

MAKAYLA
I need that
I can’t do this shit

ME
*hug* You know why she’s doing this? Why she had to tear you down? It’s because she’s weak.
Like, I didn’t start slinging mud until after she did
And that was just to protect you.
I’m not even personally offended by anything because she got so much shit wrong

MAKAYLA
She is so bad at this and she’s made me cry and loose it it’s not fair.

ME
You didn’t lose.
You have your job, your clients, your boss, your friendships with Blossom and Ryan and me.
You have your other job, your house, and a nice big heart. She doesn’t have any of that
Her heart cold and shriveled, like a raisin left in the sun too long
And, SHE don’t know you’re crying
Also, you have more of Loki’s respect than she does, and do you know how gd hard it is to get respect out of that man?

12.41 AM
MAKAYLA
Did you see what she just did

8:04 AM
ME
Yo, Makayla, last night you told me not to mention her enlistment. Are you the only one she ever told about that incident?

1.45 PM
MAKAYLA
She gave my number out

ME
Ugh
What a slag

MAKAYLA
Anxious over here

ME
*hugs!*
Do you need to talk on the phone?

MAKAYLA
When I get things under control yes

ME
Okay sweetie. I’m here for you whatever you need

MAKAYLA
I’m sick of this shit

ME
I know. I am, too

MAKAYLA
=\

2.00 PM
ME
She gave out your number wtf

MAKAYLA
Yep

ME
The fuck is wrong with her
You can get a free number from Pinger if you don’t want to deal with your phone blowing up
Who’d she even give it to?

MAKAYLA
Her friends

ME
Ugh
Report her for cyber bullying and stalking

MAKAYLA
I have

ME
That’s good. Hopefully something will come of that
Some idiots tried to report my pics for nudity
They’re not even against guidelines gd

MAKAYLA
Right me to

ME
Lol wuuuuuuut?
That’s stupid

MAKAYLA
It was Maddy

ME
I know. It’s the dumbest possible thing

MAKAYLA
Yep ry emails her

ME
Hmm

MAKAYLA
Idk why

7.53 PM
ME
Hello, hello~

MAKAYLA
Hola

ME
How goes life?

MAKAYLA
Confusion =\

ME
Oh… what’s confusing?

MAKAYLA
Andrew

ME
Oh
Hey, your current guy’s good to you, so don’t throw that away on someone who you know treated you bad

MAKAYLA
I know… I know…

8.15 PM
ME
I know you know, hon, but I don’t want you to get hurt again
Not by the same guy, not again

MAKAYLA
I love him

ME
I’m going to take a shot every time you say that and I hope to God I’m still sober by the end of the night.
You can love him all you want, just don’t ruin your current relationship for someone who already fucked you over and caused you a shitton of anxiety

MAKAYLA
But

ME
I’m p sure some part of you knows
At the end of the two weeks or however long it lasts
You’re gonna look back and be like
“I am never doing that again”
And you said to the people who follow your YouTube that you’re not going back, and you want to inspire them and help them learn from your life so uh
I guess be with him again so you have another story to tell about why it’s a bad idea? I mean if you really need it that bad

MAKAYLA
Well
I’ll take it down

ME
You can take it down, but you can’t erase it from the memories of everyone who saw it
Besides I have a copy

MAKAYLA
How

ME
Because I can download videos off YouTube
I have a browser that allows torrents

MAKAYLA
:0

ME
Yep
And I am not above putting that video right back up again

MAKAYLA
Your a YouTube partners you can’t you will get introble with YouTube

ME
I have 40 different accounts and only 1 is a partner

MAKAYLA
Are they channels?

ME
Yes but that’s irrelevant
Do what you want, but somewhere, present you knows that future you will concede that past you was right

MAKAYLA
Well I dunno

ME
I don’t even know what is in this drink but damn I feel good

MAKAYLA
Lol

ME
It’s up to you, but honestly, I think going back to Andrew would make you more stress
And you don’t need stress, you already has stress
But do what you want

MAKAYLA
I didn’t say I was going back I just ugh

ME
Yr confused
You love him
I get it

MAKAYLA
=(

ME
Why is he doing the thing

MAKAYLA
I don’t know

ME
Would you risk losing your dude for the thing?

MAKAYLA
What thinh

ME
The Andrew thing, would you risk losing your dude for it

MAKAYLA
Maybe I do t know

ME
You should think about that
And also think about why